Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in evangeline's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, July 10th, 2005
1:27 am	mmmmm. i am having a delicious time at CTY. what is it about this place? even when you're not on the receiving end of all these events and shit, why is it that it's the best time ever???? Current Mood: giddy Current Music: people drag racing in carlisle, PA (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 28th, 2005
11:38 pm	The Awkward Capital of the World Well, I'm having an interesting time. I think that this will be the last time I do this job. I really just wish I had gotten a TA job for six weeks. Instead, I'm an RA at CTY, a job I once told myself I would never do again. But three years makes you forget, as does a need for money. So when Galen White emailed me and let me know that I could have a job as an RA and make a thousand more dollars this summer, i said, heck yes, because i thought somehow it would be a good idea. I feel myself getting stranger by the minute. I like the people i'm working with, i really do, but i feel like i'm not me anymore. I have realized that the people who work here are for a large part former CTY kids themselves, which means that they have a strong element of AWK to their nature. this is sort of reassuring, in that it helps me realize that the weirdness of my interactions with them is not entirely my fault. on the other hand, it does kind of make things harder. and i definitely feel like much of the dorky jokes and incomprehensible mumbling come from my side. i don't know about that. last time i did this, some of the RAs had been CTYers but not all of them. they were funnier and easier to talk to. i don't know though. these, in theory, are my people, and yet i feel a little weird around them. and i really don't think that it's that i've gotten cooler than them or something. that's not true at all. arrrghh. emotions run so high here. you can feel really great about things, or you can feel like the biggest nerd in all of nerdland. Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: my air conditioner (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 3rd, 2005
1:25 am	in which zach acts as joanna's pimp jesus christ i can't believe zach just tried to hook me up with alex kennedy. how do you spell kennedy anyway, that looks wrong. well anyway i am definitely in the middle of quite the end-of-college crisis. fucking s.l. is hooking up with meghan when it should have been me. she is SO hot i don't know what to do with myself. but clearly that will have to be put away in my never-gonna-happen box, along with katya and all those people i liked in high school. i don't know what i'm doing right now. actually i do, i'm just trying to pass the time until manu gets here in a month and ten days. i miss him so much, this has been the most painful thing for me this semester. but i just want to hook up with people here a little before i go back to france. jo p.s. i'm drunk but that's obvious. also i'm in andrea's room because she's gone and i wanted to check my email. my hot french prof just wrote to me like two hours ago. oh jonathan gosnell. you are such a strange man. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, December 4th, 2004
1:49 pm	salut ma chérie Ca me fait très plaisir d'avoir de tes nouvelles :-) Je rentre de ma soirée avec Fred et Yann. C'était très sympa .. et bien sûr on a beaucoup picolé ! On est allé on Moosehead pour manger et ensuite on a fini au N'Importe Quoi. Maintenant je vais bientôt me coucher (il est presque 4h ...) bien sûr demain on remet ça .... J'espère que ta soirée était sympa. Tu me manques beaucoup.... heureusement on se voit bientôt ! Je t'embrasse très fort. Manu. *melt* Current Mood: silly (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 20th, 2004
5:09 pm	um yes. so my paper, which was supposed to get done by dinner, is so not done. i'm writing about barthes and borges and menard and trying to write a focused response to borges' Ficciones. my problem is i am so distracted right now. they shouldn't let Word and the internet be on the same computer. franchement, je m'en fiche. maybe i just shouldn't try to work on a saturday. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 4th, 2004
11:09 am	it's unbelievable. who are these people, who think he's capable of NOT KILLING EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING? Current Mood: crushed (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 31st, 2004
4:14 pm	the girl across from me in the wright computer lab just sneezed really loudly and then said "thanks," to dead silence, and i am positive that none of the three other people in here said anything like "gesundheit"or "nice earrings" or anything else. i am so happy to be working right now. i'm alternating working on a paper for my poetry class and writing for the abroad view writing contest. I'm writing about the time i got lost in saint-denis and then broke down when a man asked me if i was ok and our subsequent conversation over espresso in a grimy cafe. it makes a good story, mostly because of the moment when he said to me "you look sad" and i said back, bursting into the most incredible waterworks i have ever experienced, "i am sad!". and then he bought me coffee and told me about algeria. it started off as one of my worst days in paris but ended up being one of the best. i had a shitty night, i wish i had just gone to aimee's party or hung out with erica. Current Mood: reclusive (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 19th, 2004
12:46 am	http://lemance.free.fr/retour01/page1.htm manu's last day in the U.S. (about two weeks ago)... there are also pix from the rest of his visit (lemance.free.fr/) as well as some other photos of, you know, french people. Current Mood: refreshed Current Music: dido (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 17th, 2004
1:38 am	soooo drunk i met this girl robin tongiht, and this kid bernie? i think so anyway, and it would have been awesome. malheureusement je n'ai pas reussi a le convaincre que ce serait une bonne idee. je pense que ce n'aurait pas ete une tres bonne ideee car j'ai mes regles donc ca va pas...mais ca veut dire pas que je ne suis pas insultee. putain, je veux la baiser, cette fille mais j'ai du rentrer. il ne faut pas que je boive. quand je bois, tout va mal. ce con m'a dit qu'il etait avec elle donc il voulait pas de menage a trois. mais moi je ne suis pas contre. je veux faire dec conneries, je veux hook up with n'importe qui before que... bonne nuit, i cant believe i remembered my password et que j'ai pas vomi pendant le voyage en voiture chez moi. Current Mood: drunk Current Music: nothing, because andrea is asleep (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 14th, 2004
8:07 pm	i just don't know what to make of this day. i've been delirious to the point of not being able to look at anything directly, 2/3 of my classes were cancelled, i got mistaken for my doppelganger again, manu called without warning, and i suddenly hate everyone. i think the solution is to get super drunk tonight at senior round robin. that'll make an impression on all those firstyears and sophs who don't know me yet. while this probably won't help stop this feeling that i don't have control over my arms and legs (or hand/mouth coordination), it will at least stop me from worrying about it. i can't beleive i'm going back to france. manu is way too nice about it. i don't know. i mean, he's being super accomodating which is awesome but makes me nervous that he's not getting what he wants. i hadn't really talked about it with him before i bought tickets. he sounded weird on the phone but i guess it was 2 in the morning there and he had just been out at the n'importe quoi. i have been getting tons of sleep but feel like i need more. Current Mood: irritated (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 18th, 2004
8:38 am	one week that's how much time i have before manu gets here. this fact makes me a foreigner all over again: even writing in english, i just don't have the vocabulary to describe what i am feeling about that. so, i kind of have this problem of acting like i am drunk even when i'm not. i thought i had a tendency to say embarassing things when i was drunk, but it seems that's just something i do, whether i'm drunk or not. or maybe i say them under various kinds of influences, not just alcohol. for example, sexual attraction. i made a fool of myself last night over someone... luckily the feeling was mutual but i am glad anyway to be leaving smith for the weekend. this is so not the time for this. Current Music: lovers in a dangerous time (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 12th, 2004
8:09 pm	what is it about this place? after only one week back, i am suddenly getting not one or two but a dozen crushes on girls. it must be that i just know so many cute ones here. this is almost as bad as first year. it's not a problem, until i drink. i remember being very close to a lot of different people's faces throughout the evening last night, and i know i kissed at least three of them. at least several people tell me anna "attacked" me last night, which means i wasn't doing all the attacking. and deborah said i was a good kisser. i'll take the compliment, even if she was drunk when she said it. i think being a senior is making me more aggressive, too. this is the last time i am going to be allowed to behave this way (even though lots of people do who are older than me), and also the last time i'll be in an environment that is so tolerant of girls making out in public (and so safe for us to do so without attracting unwanted attention from men). i think i got posted about on the jolt today, too, but i'm not sure. i think i'll pretend it was me she was talking about. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 6th, 2004
11:21 am	back at school yay for being back in the valley! i am exhausted from seeing everyone again, but still really excited. this is the calm before the frenzy of activity that my life is about to be for the next month which will last until october break. i went for a walk with katie this morning. right now i'm just in my room, waiting for andrea to get back and go hang out with everyone before lunch. manu called me!!! i was in such a daze i forgot how to speak french. heart. Current Mood: restless Current Music: soundtrack of 'l'auberge espagnole' (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 2nd, 2004
9:13 am	i keep coming back to this and thinking about updating. i've even started a few entries and then decided to scrap them, halfway down the page. nothing has seemed that important to record. i've finally found a good enough reason to start writing here again, which is that, with the school year and its looming literary theory papers coming up, i'll need something to take a break with, somewhere to vent that isn't andrea or anyone else at school because while we will all bitch to each other about our work, it gets old and we all have our own problems. i'll have some decisions to make this year, too. i don't even know what country i'll be in after the spring of 2005. in a few weeks, manu is coming and even though i am off the walls crazy to see him, there's a lot of pressure on that visit. how that goes may affect my decision on where to go after graduation. i've been avoiding thinking about things after graduation as reality... more like a fiction i keep revising in my head. this year is the end of my relying on stuff working itself out -- i have to start trying now if i want to go places. the career development office will help me to find possibilities, but i have to decide how to use it. the act of putting stuff out there, even if no one is actually reading it, helps me a lot. i took andrea to smith yesterday and i am even more excited now than i was then to get back to life there. it's been more than a year since i lived in haven and i there is nothing i want more now than to live there again and be surrounded by my friends. as much as i have to get my ass in gear regarding my future, starting sunday i will be enjoying every minute at smith like it's my job. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 27th, 2003
8:02 pm	i have less than a month before i go to france. i am not really interested in starting any projects now, just winding down and spending some time by myself. patrick of the stepped-on toes emailed me. we are definitely playing the game of who-can-care-less. i sent an email back trying to break that pattern a little -- i would like to see him. i guess i'll try to go back to tdc sometime soon. i haven't been there since that last weekend we hung out, two weeks ago. that may be a record for me, this summer. i'm sad, really, that he's not my year and that by the time i come back to this country he will have graduated. there is an underlying anger in his humor, though, which is sexy but i don't think i really want to get too close to it. it makes me a little nervous, like he might hit someone without too much provocation. he makes a good hookup friend except that we both are still trying to pretend we're cool so we haven't even hung out that much. summer is so weird. speaking of weird. darien, huh. he's gone, he's in gilroy CA and soon he'll be at stanford. i think i'm getting over it which is sad -- i want to be over him but not completely. i'm kind of dragging it out right now... trying to remember what it was like to be with him for as long as this summer will let me. my hurt over him was all kinds of inspiring, artistically. i haven't written that many good poems about one person in three years. i had an awesome beach day and dinner party last night. all kinds of friends i haven't been seeing enough of were there. i mean, really, who have i been seeing enough of? i've been seeing a little of everyone which suits me ok but i want to be surrounded by friends, at all times, like when i'm at school. that's my favorite thing. it was why i wanted, so much, to be in cambridge this summer. i think that no matter what, i want to live within walking distance, at least, from close friends for the rest of my life. acton is pretty dry for me in terms of friends... if i dug around a little it could be more fun but living at home hasn't quite been a party every night. still, i'm proud of myself for organizing that beach day and hostessing a marvelous crepe party here. i even brought some acton people and some smith people together, in a way i hope wasn't too strange. i saw zadie smith. WOW i saw zadie smith on friday night, and she read from "the autograph man". her american accent was cutely off. the way she spoke wasn't the way i imagined her, she had a low voice and her accent, while from willesden (U.K.) i guess, didn't sound quite like the accents from the "white teeth" movie. (it was actually set in willesden and cast with some people she knew from there.) anyway, she was beautiful and wry and a little tired-sounding, i guess, but the kind of person you desparately want to be friends with because she's so sure of herself and yet adorably modest. i also saw "swimming pool" with charlotte rampling and some french people i hadn't heard of. i was in love with the girl who played julie. it was weird and sexy and the ending was pretty enigmatic but i guess i can be ok with that. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 22nd, 2003
12:11 am	wow... this has been a weird weekend. i spent some time at mit, with various different sets of friends... the tdc situation is increasingly confusing... i am trying to remedy some of my turmoil by writing a story about the boys... mostly divergent in its partculars, but true in essentials. a lot of it was i just wanted to record how i felt about that place.. i realized today that sometimes i don't even care if i'm with steve or darien as long as i'm there, in the building. what is it about that place? i tried to go back to the root - the first time i went there, february 15th, 2003. i tried to think of that night... i was so tense the whole night because i had no idea what was going to happen with darien... thinking about it is so fucking hard... i still like him so much. coming back to those times mentally is more painful than it seems like it's going to be... like the way al said that hooking up with him again might be too much to handle... it might be more than i can take. what a funny paradox, that it's all i want, and yet it would probably be the worst thing for me. the next-to-worst, of course, is to hash it over too much. the healthiest thing for me to do may just be to never set foot in that fucking frat house again. meanwhile, i do have one offer... someone who actually wants, really wants, like we hung out all day and he called me about 10 times tonight, to date me. the fact that he's goodloking, that i like kissing him, that he is sweet and funny and perfectly nice and yet not attractive to me, makes me think even more that people want what they think they can't have. the way that people who are dating someone already give off a confident, attractive vibe, making them seem more tempting to others who can't be with them. the same way that at starbucks, without fail, the pastries that get bought once or twice in the morning will be the ones that sell out in an hour, while others that may have flown off the shelf another day sit idly by. people are attracted to whatever seems like it is in demand. is that innate?? are we just hard-wired to want what it seems other people want?? the threat of having something taken by another person sets off something in our brains that make us think we want something more than we actually do, maybe. nate would be wise to flirt with others a little when he's around me, to sometimes make excuses to cut things a little short... i too could learn that lesson. it could be that very lesson i should have thought about a bit more before diving with all my heart and all my earnestness into darien. there was simply no one else i wanted, and it was obvious to everyone, including him. anyone would get bored with someone whose entire list of major interests is "you". (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 7th, 2003
7:00 pm	Yale You're second best, and you know it. Still, those riding the crimson wave may be slightly smarter, slightly more prestigious, but you know you're hipper. I mean, you're not hip -- your a nerd, for fuck's sake -- but you're hipper. Which Ivy League University is right for YOU? brought to you by Quizilla i am working on a paper tonight, sort of. i have to get it done tonight tho. no question. FU katwiwa mule! the good thing is i am totally, totally done with french 370 forever. now i just have to pass my other three classes. al and i are going nuts but we are at least happy in the knowledge that we will be skankily dressed and flirting with weird drugged-out frat boys on saturday. at least, we hope so. they have already changed the day twice so we hope they still have it. if not, we might have to throw a fit. we are so excited about this totally sketchy (in a safe, non-sketchy way) party we are going to as soon as our finals are done. alrighty comparative literature, buckle your seatbelt. it's going to be a bumpy night. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 1st, 2003
9:30 am	this is hell day and yet i still think i have time to be fucking around and procrastinating. raah. tomorrow i'm going to CT!!! that will be cool, only WEIRD as all hell because not only will andrea and i be there visiting anne, that is also a weekend that both GREG (who weirds andrea out in social situations... he is, after all, 34... what??? i still can't quite grasp that anne is seriously dating someone 14 years older than her.) and JIM (he is the one who worries me more, and andrea less... last time he was here all of anne's time was jim time) are coming. here is the anne j. phenomenon: everybody wants her attention all of the time. with four of us who rarely see her, it might be a bit of a struggle. i do like greg and jim both, and i think it will be a fun group, but anne is only good at dividing her attention if she feels like it. i predict that she will be less excited about greg b/c she sees him alot, and about equally excited about us and jim. and i predict andrea will have nervous angst about it at least twice during our trip to mystic. i have my last class ever with katwiwa mule, the professor from HELL!!! go back to your island logic, go live in the realm of intertextuality, you crazy comparatist. oh please i would just like this day to be over. ok? can we do that? (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 26th, 2003
2:44 pm	this is saturday morning after senior banquet... it is raining in northampton, and my roommate and i watched the rest of almost famous after brunch and after we helped clean up the house. When we were all scrubbing : i at the wine-colored barf stains on the bannister, deb and denise at the stairs, andrea vaccumming, al and others generally cleaning up, you could look down all the levels of the stairs and see us working away. we began singing "it's a hard-knock life". the house looks better now, but there are still stains on the rug. the evidence of last night's partying is by no means erased. neither is it forgotten: i was at a loss when i ran into liz and mim this morning. how do you say hi to someone you're not friends with, even sometimes dislike, the morning after you made out with them scandalously in a late-night game of spin the bottle? al's music is on the stereo, a mellow instrumental album that i have never heard before. she is getting ready for senior ball, which is tonight. the yellow lamplight is a bearable contrast to the clammy cold light from the window. today, we all feel slightly sick. everything seems covered with a film of old sweat, makeup, and confetti, and our insides seem permanently coated with sickly sweet alcohol. it is an ongoing moment: nothing is changing, and although i know, when i look at the clock, that i still have three more hours to whip this paper into shape, it does not seem in any way that time is progressing. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003
1:48 pm	01. I hurt: my feet, by treating them badly. 02. I love: the anticipation of summertime. 03. I hate: anna... just today though. 04. I cry: when i least expect to. 05. I fear: large bugs. 06. I hope: i will be able to finish my paper by tomorrow. 07. I sadden:, but i snap out of it. 08. I feel alone: at five in the morning after staying up all night working. 09. I kill: small bugs. 10. I talk: when it feels right. 11. I listen: to everything. 12. I break: dance. j/k i don't, actually. 13. I see: the construction site. 14. I smell: the musty smell of Haven 3rd floor 15. I taste: the aftertaste of orange pekoe tea with milk. 16. I work: distractedly. 17. I remember: one day in july when i was 12. the memory came to me suddenly the other day and i have been obsessed with it. 18. I hold: my nalgene with the crook of my finger. 19. I hide: my sentimental souvenirs from banal events. 20. I pray: only in the loosest sense of the word. 21. I walk: fast. 22. I drive: miriam's car, when i have an excuse. 23. I read: french short stories and essays on negritude and colonialism. 24. I burn: nothing. not even popcorn. 25. I breathe: from my diaphragm 26. I play: pictionary, scrabble, taboo; strip spoons/strip poker; random games i make up with andrea: in other words, all the time. 27. I miss: my cousin. 28. I touch: my nose ring. 29. I learn: every day. 30. I feel: full. 31. I know: that i should be working on my paper. 32. I said: that i just thought philip was a cool kid. 33. I dream: amazing, fantastic things, and then i forget them. 34. I have: a new sticker for my nalgene. 35. I want: to be in summer already. 36. I fall: into the trap of sitting down at my computer to procrastinate for a little while after lunch. 37. I wait: for the weekends. 38. I need: to re-pluck my eyebrows. 39. I live: placidly, blithely, but hesitatingly. 40. I die: every time i enter my class with katwiwa mule. APPEARANCE - hair: dark brown, straight, long, usually up. - height: 5'5" - weight: 140 - figure: college-girl - favorite feature: shoulders - least favorite feature: chin STYLE - clothing: usually what's comfortable - music: whatever i'm obsessed with at the moment - makeup: only for parties. - shoes: flipflops. RIGHT NOW - wearing: simone pants (jeans folded over once to be mid-length), black sweater, earrings, one flipflop. - music: nothing - thinking of: what i will do later - feeling: apathetic LAST THING YOU... - bought: coffee, yesterday morning. - did: looked at pics of professors online - read: short stories in french. - watched on tv: part of Billy Madison EITHER / OR - club or houseparty: houseparty, no question. - tea or coffee: tea - despite having bought one yesterday, i have dramatically cut my coffee consumption as of late. - high achiever or easy-going: easy-going. - cats or dogs: cats. - pen or pencil: pen. - gloves or mittens: mittens - cassette or cd: CD - alcohol or cigarettes: alcohol. - coke or pepsi: neither- i am cutting back cola consumption too. - matches or a lighter: matches. yeah high school chem. - sunset beach or the bold and the beautiful: what??? i don't know. WHO DO YOU WANT TO... - kill: different people... but nobody at the moment. - hear from: darien. - look like: eve de la mothe karoubi - be like: simone! FAVORITES - food: pesto - drink: hot chocolate - color: pink - album: glucose - shoes: flipflops... 2.50 in japantown, san fransisco - site: this one. - song: bonne idee, origin of love, many cake songs. - vegetable: broc-o-lai - fruit: tomato - last movie you saw: um, chicago, maybe? - last movie you saw on the big screen: same - last thing you had to drink: milk. - last thing you ate: matzoh - last time you cried: on the phone the week before spring break - last time you smiled: about an hour ago - last time you laughed: same - last time you danced: at this bizarre amherst dorm party..... it was so weird. - last person you hugged: andrea - last thing you said: "see ya." (to my roomie al, as she went to class) - last person you talked to online: jacob - last thing you smelled: before the musty smell of my room -- the amazing garlicky pesto scott made for lunch. DO YOU...? - smoke: no - do drugs: very rarely - sleep with stuffed animals: yes, one. - have a dream that keeps coming back: not recently - play an instrument: no, not anymore. - believe there is life on other planets: yes. - read the newspaper: when i can - have any friends: yep - believe in miracles: where you from, you sexy thing? - believe it's possible to remain faithful: whoops i deleted part of the question but i think this was it and if it means to one person, then yeah, i do. - consider yourself tolerant of others: i'm tolerant of some things. - consider police a friend or foe: ideally, friend, but in my experience, foe. - like the taste of alcohol: some. - have a favorite Stooge: no - believe in astrology: sort of... well ok yeah, some parts of it. - believe in magic: no - pray: not really - go to church: i went on easter to the northampton UU service, but i don't usually. - have any secrets: oh yes. - have any pets: scout, my cat - go to or plan to go to college: almost done with sophomore year!!! - have a degree: um, i don't know if a diploma counts. - talk to strangers who instant message you: sure. - wear hats: for functional purposes.... or i will wear non-hats as hats for fashion purposes. - have any peircings: ears, nose - have any tatoos: no - hate yourself: no - wish on stars: once in a while - like your handwriting: yes... i sneer at the girl who sits across from me in french who uses white-out in her notes. i much prefer crazy, illegible code-like scrawlings. - believe in spirits: i am really scared to have a supernatural encounter... seriously. i could not handle "the ring." - believe in lucifer: no - believe in ghosts: yeah, kind of. - trust others easily: with some things. - take walks in the rain: always - kiss with your eyes closed: yes. - sing in the shower: not usually, when i'm at school. (Comment on this)